Riptide // Enmeshed
I capsize
barely having
reached the surface
drowning silently
in the wake
of your fears
propellers
of feeling unseen
myself motionless
head already crushed
under the current
ripped open by the rocks
my entrails
tangling around your legs
as you flail
and thrash about
stretching out your hand
begging for assistance
not knowing
all there is left above you…
a delicate shell
a fragile ghost
a projected memory
of someone who once was
I couldn’t save you
I had waded for too long
I already lost myself
- Additional notes from that time, needing updated language (in my opinion, anyways) -
A poem and thoughts reflecting on CPTSD, dissociation, and codependency // wanting to highlight the importance of recognizing our own needed boundaries and knowing, communicating, and accepting the emotional limits of ourselves and others; in particular, around moments of distress and conflict
I’ve experienced these moments more times than I can count, particularly during my childhood with my parents putting their overwhelm and emotional dysregulation over my own emotional bandwidth and needs. I also know that I have done the same to some of my loved ones; overloaded them during moments of my own distress. Simply put: We know what we’ve been taught, what we’ve been modeled. As a recovering people pleaser and someone who grew up in very enmeshed and codependent dynamics, I’ve realized this past year in particular how… it is up to us as adults to access the self awareness necessary to notice when we are doing these things to others, to learn new ways of interacting in moments such as these, and that we truly cannot be there for others if we are not also consistently there for ourselves.
Questions to ponder: What all is ours to carry and what we might be trying to force onto others? What might others trying to be forcing onto us that is not ours to hold? What additional distress are we maybe not fully seeing? What limits do we need to have in place, what conversations need to be had, so that we are not abandoning ourselves during these moments of dysregulation, and how can each party show up better for themselves?
Helpful Books I’ve read (or at least started reading) so far:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay G. Gibson
(three part series of which I have read the first and around half of the second, highly recommend)Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
(I’m about 65% through this book and wish I had started reading it sooner)Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
(I’m about 32% of my way through this one and recommend it to monogamous folks as well)The Neutrality Codes by Lovejoy Paradise
(somewhat unrelated to this topic, yet also not, this book is filled with 125 codes, or mantras, for helping to create pauses for more moments of self reflection and the ability to respond vs simply react during times emotional distress, to help build your self trust and intuition, and overall help to regulate your nervous system, etc. Highly highly recommend.)