Holding Space

I realized recently that…
Through this website
Through my TikTok
Through my art

I’ve been holding space for
myself

I’ve been longing to be Seen for who I am
While also terrified of Being Seen,
of being judged, misunderstood…

For so long, I couldn’t See myself
and then even when I thought I did,
I didn’t like what I saw

I needed a space freer from my inner critic
than the ones we had been funneled into
a space that felt safe enough to really sort through myself

safe enough to start this rebuild of myself at 31
where I could try and make embarrassing mistakes,
play around, fail, maybe even flail a bit

places where,
when the feelings of shame of existing as myself came up
I could be met with and also meet and hold myself in tenderness

what was I needing?
to delete something? redraft it? make it private?
could I just sit with it as is a little longer
and see if those feelings passed through?

asking myself,
why am I feeling shame/embarrassment/judgement about this thing?
where is the confusion coming from?

where is that belief stemming from?
is that belief something that I’m still wanting to live my life by?
would I judge a friend or someone else the same way?

“welcome to my shadow”
almost anything that I post says these days
// the process and prices of unmasking

I’ve really needed this held space
I needed to prove to myself that I could stand by myself
that my body and psyche could still be safe in these moments

I’d been longing to be seen for so long
thinking I needed other people to do it for me
when really, me doing it for myself is all that I can really hope for

and it’s not that I can now always See mySelf
but I trust that I’m capable of it
that I have my own back

and that I know the [routes/roots] to get there