On Why I've Started A Blog
I write… because the Thoughts can either continue to stay within the confines of my skull, swirling into one another, forever entangled and never fully actualized or known even to myself… or they can bubble over and flow out of me, bringing room for more; more insight, more processing, more curiosity. Writing is a tool that keeps me afloat and a little further away from the edges of the whirlpool that has often threatened to pull me under.
So… I’ve started a blog. Rather inadvertently, though maybe “inadvertently” isn’t the correct word as I did plan and attempt to start a patreon… and had already been sharing random writings on my art and photography pages (now being moved to this blog). There was just something about the phrase, “starting a blog,” that seemed much more… official or intimidating? I clearly needed to take those stepping stones on other platforms first to even get to here but, really, I’m no longer all that surprised that this is where things ended up. Where better to house and share these these pieces of myself than this website that I’ve been “building?” Where I have more creative control and can more liberally try and fail at things than I was letting myself elsewhere. I’m also constantly reminding myself that what I share doesn’t have to be perfectly precise or the most eloquently edited or worded, it can simply be another tool for me to use to help myself along this journey of living; things that we all have to figure out how to do for ourselves in due time.
Despite the Deep fear of being witnessed, being seen // as most recovering people-pleasing-codependent-perfectionists deal with // I really would like to be! Seen, that is. Seen for myself and in my own words. Not other’s projections or judgements of me, though I’ve now realized that I cannot control other’s perceptions of me or the lens in which they view me — I can, at the very least, actually put myself out there. I can continue to work to stop being so hypercritical of myself and offer myself the compassion to make messes and mistakes. To be human without dowsing myself in showers of intense shame and self loathing every time I feel that I may have faltered and, in turn, to be better able to see and accept those around me with more compassion as well.
I share, also, with the hope that maybe through sharing some of my own experiences, I might help others sort through their own mental tangles or just help them in some capacity along the way. That I might be able to offer some comfort to another person who feels like they’ve also been stumbling around in the dark , desperately trying to piece together the scattered pages of a disheveled manual for their own selves. That maybe these words will help someone else know that they are not alone in these experiences, as I have found in others shared works.
Notes going from the editing to publishing stages:
I have now moved each of these paragraphs around in every order and cannot decide which order is best or if they need to be their own posts or maybe even just completely edited out. I’m remembering that editing is where is really where it is At — and also an excuse to keep these posts living as drafts until I have the guts to press “save & publish” 😬 Breathing and reminding myself of a quote I’ve seen now from a couple of artists on TikTok recently, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” (Which I have now looked up and is a quote by G.K. Chesterton, apparently). Anyways, this whole website is a learning and sometimes re-learning journey for me and I thank anyone who is coming along for the ride 💗
And an additional note that feels fitting here and one that I myself am still doing the work to unpack: Perfectionism helps no one and is a continuation of teachings/characteristics of White Supremacy (link) and it is up to all of us to do the work of dismantling it within ourselves and, therefore, within the collective.