Prompt: Inviting Your Grief to Tea
I joined a grief writing circle, facilitated by Jocelyn Anderson in partnership with BFO, and hope to better articulate for myself, as well as finally share, some of my own experiences navigating life altering loss and my journey through it. I feel so grateful for and held by the community there and am so glad I came across the announcement, stepped outside my comfort zone to follow a need I was having, and went for it.
Petrichor & Dandelions: Moments of Honey
Nearly a year after losing you,
my grief smells like it's been out in the rain,
drenched and smelling of earth when it comes to the door
It didn’t smell like this before, if it even had a smell
I can’t bring myself to recall as I’m briefly catapulted back in time when the bringer of death was the one who rang instead
I shake off the memory as best I can, trying to focus on the what or who is currently in front of me
“You’re here” I say, nervously
“So are you”
a statement that would’ve surprised us both in the years prior
I welcome Grief in more willingly this time, though still cautiously
I take its coat, sit it next to the fire, and set the kettle to boil
water drips audibly onto the carpet from Grief’s attire
“The atmosphere is heavy out there” I remark
“It’s heavier in here”
. . .
“Doesn’t the rain help with that?”
Grief shrugs, “Sometimes”
. . .
“Tea?” I offer, feeling awkward and unsure on how to proceed
“Yes, please”
“Honey?”
“Sweetness & levity”
I take that as a yes and as I get a spoonful, stickiness on my outer finger from the lid,
I taste the brightness and the sweetness of that miniscule moment and savor it
“Levity,” I repeat softly to myself
I return with the tea
“Do I make one for myself as well?”
“That’s up to you”
We sit in silence as I ask myself if I, too, would like to make some time.. some tea… for myself
I decide that I do and turn to go make myself some – choosing to dip the tip of my spoon in the amber collective and bring it directly to my tongue —
my tea is sweet enough already but I won’t pass up on another, even briefly, gifted reprieve
hidden pockets of ever needed light
“Are you staying this time?” I ask as I walk back over
“Do you want me to?”
I pause… placing my tea on the nearby table and take a seat, bringing my legs up closer to me and feeling for the warmth of the fire
“I’m not sure”
Another pause before I suggest “What if we found a space for you?”
“That would be nice” Grief responds but doesn’t seem to be in a rush for more of an answer
I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe it never really left and make a note to ponder that more later
The fire crackles, reminding us of the time that continues passing, even when it seems to stand so still
. . .
Curiosity gets the best of me
“Will you always smell like…” I stop, startling myself with the realization and continue asking “Is that really ‘petrichor?’ Did we really go with Amelia Pond??”
“It sure seems like it, doesn’t it?” Grief chortles, lifting a brow
we laugh, another pocket
there’s a comfortable silence
“Did you see all of the dandelions on the way here? They’re wonderful aren’t they?? Sprouting up everywhere!” I say excitedly
“I did indeed” answers grief
“We chose well” I decree
Grief nods – “We chose well”
After I wrote this piece // a piece that I had no idea where the conversation would lead to until I started writing it, letting my inner guides gift me their wisdom // I started making more room for small moments of enjoying and savoring the honey in my life and realizing just how important and necessary those moments are — how they help foster resilience, how accepting small moments of joy and reprieve and bringing me sweetly into my body for just a moment helps me more easily accept bigger moments of receiving care… and helps me to find other similar moments to expand into. Like coming across a tik tok where someone is setting up a space — filling their room with a spray, bringing in a crystal, lighting a candle, holding their stuffie, and holding space for me and countless others to sit for a while and just… be in the moment as we are. The moment that they’ve created, being brought into existence and then extending into infinitum. I’ve had the video on repeat since coming across it this morning, feeling so held — allowing myself to feel held — allowing the release of a couple tears and stillness and intuitive dancing to the background music. I’ve kept it on repeat while I type this reflection on why finding those pockets of honey is of utmost importance right now. The world is incredibly heavy... it has been for a while… nourishing community is not the easiest to come by… and when it does, it’s not always the easiest to open yourself up to… even when you desperately want it. The more space we’re able to create and hold for ourselves… the more we’ll be able to hold for others one day as well.
Sending you gentleness