Draft on Draft; In Search of Momentum // Parts work and Pep Talks
I keep waiting for the “perfect time” to… do anything really. The problem is, is that there Really sometimes is this silent, or not so silent, inner or outer push that tells me “now” — and then there are times, like today, where it’s more just “fuck it, post all the drafts, I can’t with editing or rereading anymore, I just need to feel some fucking momentum.” // so, maybe that was another inner push — becoming impatient with the stagnancy and needing to safely “stir the pot”
below is an old draft on similar… thoughts or something cuz… why not?
I have so many drafts of various lengths and ugggh its… I’m looking forward to a clearer headed day where I can take these ramblings and make better sense of them — many times I’ll write and, just like conversations with me, the thoughts lead to everywhere.
I’m trying to figure out… do I embrace it? And publish them as such? Orrrr… I do know how to write papers and can split them off into new posts which would be good practice as well. Which opportunity for growth should I follow? Better coherence and structure? Or releasing the free fall and getting used to simply putting my works out there no matter the shape they’re in? On the one hand, what has been written with more structure etc has a better chance at being understood and digested — there’s a clear reason and desire and need for that.
self pep talk // literally just post it, clem, it’s ok that it’s not complete or whatever bullshit standard you’re trying to hold yourself to when the stakes could not be lower // inaction — you keep getting caught in inaction just fucking do ittttttt — if you change your mind and want to delete it or re-edit it later, guess what, you can!!! but you won’t know how much you truly care about or will be affected by this thing you’re scared of until you try it first! literally, such low stakes!! // you’re safe! you got this!! keep going! I love you!
Parts work // omg is that (points above) my inner critic doing their cheerleading role instead? Heyy! Thanks! you’re doing great! might still work on some verbiage there with uhhhm some impatience coming through but it’s a solid start and maybe just enough “fed upness”? // We’re re-calibrating, give us time and practice 💕
lmao at me backseat critiquing my own inner critic 🙄
// I like how I’ve named this like those anime or mangas that basically explain what happens in the story as the title (like… Bofuri: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Max Out My Defense)
// maybe it’s ok if sometimes I do just share stream of consciousness stuff 🤷🏻♀️
I watched Arrival again the other day and… god it’s so good // and I want to write another thing on “autistic” movies that I love and the depth of feeling that so many convey and have helped me access in safe ways (grief and shame being two big ones as well as realizing oh fuck this character and I are Definitely on the spectrum — Never Let Me Go? Nomadland? ) ahhh!! // **spoilers** anyways I brought up Arrival because the way the heptapods are conveyed to experience time and memory and how they write is just… so very relatable in ways that.. I haven’t fully been able to articulate yet but… there’s something there, an inkling ((haha))
Another pep talk I found from another draft that I don’t know if i’m keeping around so adding it here to show just… practice // note to myself and anyone else interested in how this process of sharing words is going: the amount of drafts that i have, getting stuck in the loop of starting and editing and doubting and feeling bored and just wanting to be done with the thought just wanting to put it out there — this is going to be another trial and error process of working through the fear and releasing things when and however i want to, in whatever form of finished they are, and reminding myself that if i decided later i’m wanting to re-edit them, i can always do so and the more important thing to practice right now, for me, is the releasing! “stop trying to be perfect at this thing that you’re still growing in and learning to do better at and just do!” let’s grow babyyyy