Morning // Mourning

May 22, 2022

Today started off // in a thick of grief

Waking from a dream where
she had come back
Emmie had come back! Somehow!
It felt so visceral, so undeniably real

She was in my arms!

still sick,
still woven with cancer,
still having difficulty peeing

it was the last days repeating

but… still…
in my arms once again
my right arm cradling her
carrying her around

She was always there
In my arms
And then all at
once
she wasn’t…
ever again

In my dream I got to hold her
Occasionally remembering
and panicking
about what I needed to do
next

Out of practice
out of routine

Potty pads,
diapers,
wipes,
pills

Dreading the impending moment
needing to make the call again
Still… not knowing
when…

How do you know when?
Even during a second time
Which feels like another first because

How could she be back?
What is the protocol?

Do I take the same course
when the end result doesn’t change?

Waking up and realizing
I’m still holding onto her things
Hoping for that dream to become reality
Aching to have her cradled
Again in my arms
In any way, any state possible
Just please please be here with me, please!!

I cry
and cry
and
cry
and cry

Wailing

Envisioning I’m holding her
// clutching and cradling my stuffed polar bear from ikea
Eye-mask still on
Tears and snot overflowing //
Holding on desperately to this moment

Reliving those last days

Rocking her
in front of the mirror
in the kitchen
in the office

Picking her up,
Her little paws stretched out
Ready for me
to gently scoop her up

“My baby,
My baby”

// my wife’s arms around me
faintly registering
I sink in again
Rocking myself
and kicking the bed //

I’m holding her once again
This time
taking all the time I need
while she’s there
but not really

My time Then was hurried

Now?
I have nothing but time
and my memories
and an urn… to cradle

There but Not

The light is out and I am devastated once again

. . .

The memory of holding you
Feels like warm weighted comfort

A completion and extension of both our selves
we are joined always

When you were here
A cloud of sun in my arm
Against my torso
Weight above hip

When you were here
It was like you were docked
You were Home

No matter where we were
I could find Home
with you there

You anchored me
And brought safety
Rest
Peace

Now
Forever apart from me
Still
Forever a part of me