The First Stages

The first stage of grief is a full body pain flare,
more intense than ever before

actually, the first stage of grief is “what have I done?”
“this was too soon”

“I was keeping track of time,
what happened to those last 15 minutes?”

the first stage of grief is trying to advocate for myself when I’ve only recently learned how and now there is a clock running because the vet had another place to be after this

it’s going numb after being awake for more than a day with no manual of how to prepare or get through this

it’s holding you and being unable to believe that you’re not really there when you just were a second ago

it’s pushing on your paw like I always used to and that being absolutely devastating when the sensation didn’t match anymore — you couldn’t push back

you were there and you weren’t

how could this be?

you were right there and yet/then… void

its loved ones around us, crying and holding you, and yet feeling so very desperately alone

it’s not being able to fall asleep without jerking yourself awake — a remnant of that watchful last 24 hours

it’s not being able to have anyone else go any sort of limp in your arms without panicking and breaking down

it’s more pain flares and insomnia

it’s not knowing how to exist anymore

and not knowing what to do with the many belongings and life-giving accessories left behind

it’s you being carried outside the front door and separated from me for an excruciating week while I try to fill the void with purchases of dandelions and fluffy pom poms, literally anything to foster any sort of connection to you still being here and with me

it’s running from the thoughts playing out what was happening to you and your body and those three toys we sent off with you

it’s celebrating your birthday a few days later with a candle and a cupcake toy and reminiscing of you

it’s catching ourselves in muscle memories from making unexpected loud noises or looking down before placing our feet on the floor

it’s carrying around a blanket in place of you and treating it just as tenderly

it’s crying and crying and crying and crying

it’s creating to create literally anything and then creating some more

it’s writing up everything I miss about you

it’s finding a noise to play 24/7 in the house // waves // the quiet too much to bear

it’s looking at pictures and watching hours of video just to hear and see and maybe once again feel you near

it‘s knowing and dreading the time passing and the fact of you not being around… becoming bearable at some point… and never wanting to know that day… yet continuing on anyway