on acceptance and grief
Grief is wild // the fact that there is no right or wrong way to be is so freeing yet also so frustrating
My healing journey is intrinsically linked with this loss — the first major loss to truly shatter and remold me // body breaking down, cognitive functioning truly amuck, my psyche unraveling // It truly felt like a major Part of me nearly died along with her
I decidedly had never pictured life without her —
Having been stuck in cycles of neglect and avoidance since my childhood // I couldn’t fathom making my way through a lifetime continued down that path
uncovering, reliving, experiencing new traumas and taking the time to feel and heal through them and the many emotions tagging along // the feelings of shame seeming the most insurmountable + the medical and physical symptoms and issues that arose or heightened
I haven’t been the person I’ve wanted to be throughout this journey
I haven’t been able to give how I used to
I’m learning how to patch and fill my own cup so that it can overflow
and I can take care of my loves while also taking care of myself and it is Hard
sometimes the shame threatens to swallow me up
I keep letting people down
and am still learning to sit and be ok with that
and learn what’s actually mine to carry
and honor what my limitations are
and trust in the universe to continue to bring connections into my life and uncover the ones that are there and have been there
Ones that I just hadn’t realized I could show up in this other way and still be accepted and loved
and on the flip side of that,
learning to accept the limitations of those around me and apply this same thinking — that we’re all doing the best that we can with what we have available to us and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less, we just might not be able to give each other what we’re needing and that’s ok and we can chose how to move forward or not from there
articles about the physical and mental health difficulties that can arise with grief from a major loss, particularly as someone who is Autistic and/or a High Sensitive Person:
https://thinkingautismguide.com/2012/08/autistic-grief-is-not-like-neurotypical.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/aspergers-diary/201412/navigating-grief-and-loss-autistic-adult