Isolating at 32
Journal Entry — allowing myself be sad, to share that sadness, and to have the “ugly” thoughts and emotions // to voice them without judging them
I’m happy to say that, after about two years of feeling this way pretty consistently (and a lifetime of feeling this way off and on, usually more “on”) — as of September 26th, 2022, I am feeling much more renewed in Life. I have finally been starting to feel like I am living out my purpose and daring to express all these parts of myself is a huge facet of that. Find me, if you like, on TikTok @lemonlime.xyz and @dovesighting (and possibly another account or two in the future as I have quite a few projects that are slowly but surely in the works).
september 10, 2022
if i can make it to 32.. to 33… i don’t know where i’m going to be in a year. many days i still don’t know that i’m going to make it to the next month with the feelings of wanting to be Done with the mental chaos inside my head. and then i have a cry. or a lay down on the bed. or the floor. or if it’s particularly strong i go outside and lay down on the ground or walk under the trees, lifting my eyes to the branches spanning across the sky, passing my hands along on the bark, raising my arms to bring my hands to pass through and ruffle the leaves above me as i walk — then, things are okay for a little while.
i’m back in a period of isolation
i can’t keep up with direct messages, still, and it’s not that there are all that many, a handful and yet my brain can’t do it. won’t. i don’t know why. it’s out of protection, apparently.
i need to honor my healing and trust in the timing.
i wish i could take all of my pitches and shower thoughts and have them just appear on the page.
i’ve got some cool projects started so that’s neat.
i’ve learned a lot. i’d like to share what ive learned but i haven’t fully integrated it yet? or am nervous that i havent
i feel this weight of “why do i still exist? how am i daring to exist in the way that i am?”
so often my life feels simultaneously so very sad and so very privileged and at the same time so burdensome